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Lesson Seven:
The Christian Family’s Dirty Little Secret - Part 2
"Verbal Abuse”
James 3:1-8
Introduction:
Last week we started looking at what I
am calling “The Christian Family’s Dirty Little Secret,” and the
issue at hand is verbal abuse. One of the thoughts I had this past
week is that “verbal abuse” may not be the best label for the
concept since we have a tendency as humans to minimize our sins.
For instance, drunkenness, or alcoholism, or drug addiction is often
referred to as what? “Substance abuse.” Gluttony is often labeled
as “an eating disorder.” Laziness or sloth is sometimes called
being “vocationally challenged.” What I want to make sure of this
morning is that we don’t dismiss the gravity of sins of the tongue
by calling it “verbal abuse.” Let’s not take this grievous sin and
minimize it into meaninglessness by changing its label.
What we looked at last week was
a definition of verbal abuse. When we use our tongues in an
unbiblical way, we are sinning with our speech. We then looked at
the Malignant Seven - seven specific ways in which we sin with the
tongue. We saw why it is so bad, how it does so much damage to
other people who are God’s image bearers. We looked at how it
violates the God ordained purpose of speech. And then we finished
up by looking at four verses that explicitly condemn verbal abuse.
This morning we are going to concentrate on how to handle verbal
abuse. In other words, if you find yourself on the receiving end of
abusive speech, what do you do?
Betty, an extremely pleasant woman with a
soft Northern accent, has a gentle demeanor that belies her troubled
soul. In the course of discussing her troubled marriage and family
life, Betty disclosed one of the most tragic stories of abuse
I’ve ever heard. Betty’s father was a musician who frequently moved
his family from town to town as he sought work. Sadly, he was also
an alcoholic, who became very destructive when he had been drinking.
Betty would lie awake at night listening to her drunken father
curse and sometimes beat her mother. On several occasions he beat
Betty and her brothers.
On one occasion, when Betty was six, her
father came home drunk in the middle of the night. Betty heard his
footsteps coming up the stairs, but instead of hearing him stumble
into his own bedroom to curse at her mother, he suddenly appeared in
the doorway of her bedroom. A few moments later he came to Betty’s
bed and raped her. The rapes continued for ten years until Betty
was sixteen. Betty went to bed every night not knowing if her
father would appear in the middle of the night to assault her.
Betty dreaded hearing music when she came home from school. It
usually meant her father was celebrating - which invariably meant
that he would soon come to her in the middle of the night.
Now a middle-aged woman, Betty summarized
her abusive childhood to me. I was shocked when she said that
twenty years of physical abuse and ten years of rape by her father
weren’t as painful as the verbal abuse she endured from her mother.
One of the most vivid and life-imprinting incidents occurred, again,
at the tender age of six. She was practicing her spelling words
with her mother. When Betty misspelled the word butter, her
mother scowled, and with piercing eyes she declared, “You are such a
stupid little bastard.” Now, almost fifty years later, Betty choked
back the tears as she recounted her mother’s venomous words.
Though she had been a Christian for many
years, Betty still struggled with the deep-seated conviction that
she really is nothing more than a stupid little bastard. In fact,
acting on this message had all but destroyed her marriage, as well
as her relationship with her son, who at the time of our session had
just been sentenced to life in prison.
I’ve never used an illustration
this graphic, but I did this morning for two reasons.
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First
of all, if I had stood up here and told you that verbal abuse can be
more devastating than either physical abuse or sexual abuse, many of
you would have dismissed me as someone who was overstating his case
for the purpose of being sensational. Now you have heard it from
the mouth of a victim.
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Second, I want to set the
stage for our investigation of dealing with verbal abuse. Had Betty
come to you with her story and said, “I am self-destructing because
of the barrage of verbal abuse I have to live with,” what would you
tell her? As a brother or sister in Christ, what do you say when
your friend comes to you and says, “I can’t take it any more! I’m
losing my mind! There is something seriously wrong with my spouse,
and he takes it out on me verbally but insists that there is nothing
abnormal or wrong with his behavior”? How do you help a person in
this situation?
That is the focal point of our
time together this morning - how do we deal with verbal abuse? And
I want to answer that question by asking you three questions. Your
answer to these three questions is the answer to the main question.
Question number one is, “What is love?” Question number two is,
“What is God trying to teach me?” And question number three is,
“How can I overcome this evil with good?” So, to answer our first
question, let’s turn to the classic passage on love, 1 Cor. 13:4-8.
1. What is love?
While we are turning there, let me remind
you of our definition of love. We have talked about it numerous
time, and our definition is that “love is a willful,
sacrificial desire to meet the needs of another.” There are
three elements to this definition.
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1) Biblical love involves the
will. It involves rational choice. It is not primarily emotional,
though there is a legitimate emotional dimension to it.
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2) Biblical love also involves
sacrifice. One of the easiest ways to differentiate
between love and infatuation is look for this element.
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3) Biblical love is directional.
In other words, it is not some kind of generic, directionless,
omnipresent feeling of good will. Love has an object.
We see all three of these elements in
John 3:16. Because God loved the world, what did He do? He chose
to have His Son die as an adequate payment for our sins.
So with this definition of love in mind,
let’s read these verses in 1 Cor. 13.
“Love is patient, love is
kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is
not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not
seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but
rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes
all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love
never fails.”
As we read these verses that
describe biblical love, it is easy to see that genuine love is a
multifaceted thing. But I want us to focus on is verse six, because
I believe this verse has special application to this matter of
dealing with verbal abuse. According to verse six, biblical love is
grieved by unrighteousness. Let that sink in for a moment.
Last week I hope I was able to
convey to you the gravity of sinning with the tongue by pointing out
that verbal abuse is an attack on a person who bears the image of
God. When you attack something that bears God’s image, it is
tantamount to attacking God himself. That is why the Bible teaches
capital punishment in cases of murder. And while attacking a person
verbally may not be of the same magnitude as murder, both sins have
a common denominator in that they both involve attacking God’s
image.
Verbal abuse is a manifestation
of unrighteousness, and as such, biblical love is compelled to
confront it. So when I ask you the question, “What is love?” we
need to understand that love is not appeasement. Nor does biblical
love involve the avoidance of conflict. It is precisely because of
love that the abuser has to be confronted with his sin. Love means
that we care deeply about those who are sinning with their tongues.
Love means that we confront and address sinful patterns.
Now, there is no way I can deal
with how this confrontation is done in the course of a single
message, so let me give you five guidelines.
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1) Never
confront in the heat of the moment. It is best to wait
until things have cooled off so you can discuss them rationally
instead of emotionally.
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2) Describe the offense concisely
and even in an understated way. If your description of the offense
is even slightly overstated, you have just given the abuser cause to
dismiss your allegation.
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3) Set limits. There is
nothing wrong with telling a verbally abusive person, “You are being
sarcastic and demeaning, and if you will not talk to me with
respect, I am ending this conversation.” It is entirely legitimate
to say, “You are yelling at me, and if you continue to yell, I will
hang up the phone and we will continue this conversation when you
can speak to me in a calm voice.”
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4) Follow through
on consequences. If the sarcasm continues, end the conversation.
If the yelling continues, hang up the phone.
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5) Evaluate
your motive. Motive is critical! Confrontation is never
for the sake of personal vengeance. It is never for the sake
control. It is because you love that person enough to do what is
necessary to see him come to his senses and be reconciled to God and
you.
So to answer the question, “How
do I handle a verbally abusive situation?” our first question is,
“What is love?” The second question we ask ourselves is, “What is
God trying to teach me?” To answer this question, let’s look at
James 1:2-4.
2. What is God trying to teach me?
In these verses, we read,
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various
trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith
produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its
perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in
nothing.”
When a person comes to Christ
for salvation, he immediately sets out on a long journey to become
more like Christ. He realizes that his life is full of all kinds of
things that are displeasing to God, so he sets about removing the
unacceptable things and replaces them with things he knows God
approves of. This is why the Bible teaches things like, “Let him
who stole, steal no more. Rather, let him work with his hands so
that he may have to give to give to him who has nothing.” Or,
“lay aside falsehood and speak the truth.” That is what the
Christian life consists of - it is a life long project of
eliminating the bad and replacing it with good. And to the extent
we do this, we will be like Jesus.
According to the verses we just
read in James, one of the ways God helps us out in this process is
to bring trials into our lives. Trials, stress, suffering, and
tribulation reveal the weaknesses we have. They reveal the ways in
which we aren’t very much like Jesus.
When we lived over in Columbia
County, a natural gas company was running a pipeline through the
area down to NYC. If I remember correctly, the pipes were about 12
feet in diameter. They would put three sections of pipe into the
trench, weld them together, and then seal them off. They would then
attach air hoses to the section and run up the pressure to hundreds
of times higher than it would ever have under normal circumstances.
Do you know what they were doing? They were looking for weaknesses
in the welding. They understood that it is better to blow out a
seam when there is air in the pipe than when there is natural gas in
the pipe.
That is how God uses pressure
in the lives of His children. There are times when God, in His
wisdom, cranks up the pressure in our lives to reveal any weaknesses
we have. This is why James says, “Consider it all joy when you
encounter these tests because this test is producing endurance, and
endurance will produce maturity.” In other words, this trial you
are going through with the verbally abusive person is helping you
become more like Jesus. So if you are in this kind of situation
this morning, let me encourage you to get on your knees and ask God,
“What are you trying to teach me?” Ask God to reveal to you the
ways in which you aren’t as Christlike as you should be. And as
hard as it may be to do this, embrace the situation as a God
ordained means to your spiritual maturity because God uses adversity
to make us become more like Jesus.
So as we continue to answer the
question, “How do I deal with a verbally abusive person, the first
question we ask is, “What is love?” The second question we ask
ourselves is “What is God trying to teach me in this situation?”
The final question we ask ourselves is, “How can I overcome this
evil with good?” To see this, let’s turn to Rom. 12.
3. How can I overcome this evil with good?
In Romans 12, starting in verse
17 we read,
“Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what
is right in the sight of all men. 18 If possible, so far
as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19 Never
take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God,
for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the
Lord. 20 "But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if
he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap
burning coals upon his head." 21 Do not be overcome by
evil, but overcome evil with good.”
So far this morning I have given you
several very difficult things to do if you are in a verbally abusive
situation. It is difficult to love an abusive person. It is
difficult to embrace that kind of a trial and allow it to make you
more like Christ. And at the risk of overwhelming you and asking
you to do too much, let me add one more difficult thing to the list:
it is difficult to perform acts of kindness for the abuser.
When I was growing up, one of
my favorite stories was about a Christian guy in the Army who was
mercilessly tormented by his fellow soldiers. He was so serious
about his faith that he would even kneel by his bed and pray before
going to sleep for the night. His name was Joe, so of course
everyone in the barracks called him “Holy Joe.” All the guys in his
group picked on him, the officers picked on him, and in general, he
suffered the brunt of quite a bit of malicious behavior. One night
in particular was really bad because as he was kneeling by his bed
praying, all the soldiers in the barracks started pelting him with
their boots. And as he was kneeling there getting hammered, he
started praying for the guys who were so malicious, and this verse
came to his mind.
The next morning when all the
soldiers got up, you can imagine their surprise when they found
their newly polished boots all lined up at the end of Joe’s bed.
And it was that act of kindness that changed the tide of sentiment
in the barracks. What do you suppose goes through a guys mind when
he finds his boots polished by the guy he had just hurled that very
boot at? Paul tells us what happens - burning guilt. That is the
concept behind “heaping burning coals on the head of your enemy.”
Of course, the best example of
this is Jesus. In 1 Pt. 2:19-23. Here we read:
“For this finds
favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a man bears up under
sorrows when suffering unjustly. 20 For what credit is
there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with
patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you
patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. 21 For
you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered
for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps,
22 who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His
mouth; 23 and while being reviled, He did not revile in
return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting
Himself to Him who judges righteously.”
And when you read the
rest of what happened to Jesus, you know that he performed the
greatest act of kindness ever - he allowed Himself to be crucified
on a cross.
Peter’s admonition to those
people like Betty who find themselves in abusive situations is
twofold.
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1) Follow the example of Jesus. Reflect on how
Jesus conducted Himself when He was being abused. He didn’t lash
out, He didn’t retaliate, and He didn’t demand that his rights as a
human being be respected - that is the model to follow.
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2)
Entrust yourself to the care of Jesus. People like Betty have
to take consolation in the fact that Jesus has already experienced
what they are enduring. They have to be sustained by the truth that
God is aware of their circumstances and will judge the sins of the
abuser. If it doesn’t happen in this lifetime, it will happen when
the abuser stands before the God of the universe and gives an
account for his actions. But either way, justice will be served and
the suffering will be alleviated. As hard as it is to overcome evil
with good, it is God’s way of effecting change in the heart of the
abuser.
By way of conclusion let me
tell you that the Bible is full of teaching about how God has the
ability to redeem an abusive situation and use it for His glory. In
Genesis 50 we have the story of a teenage boy sold as a slave by his
jealous brothers. This young man was eventually imprisoned on false
accusations and spent several years languishing in jail. If you are
familiar with the story of Joseph you know that eventually he was
released and rose in power and became second in command to the
Pharaoh of Egypt. His perspective at the end of his life as he was
reflecting on the abuse he had suffered at the hands of his brothers
is seen in Gen. 50:20 - “As for you, you meant evil against me,
but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present
result, to preserve many people alive.” God redeems abuse and
can use it for good.
Probably the greatest example
of how God redeems abuse and uses it for good is seen in what we
have already alluded to - the death of Jesus. In Isaiah 53:5 we
read, “But He was pierced through for our transgressions
[that is abuse!], He was crushed for our iniquities [more
abuse]; the chastening [more abuse] for our well-being
fell upon Him, and by His scourging [even more abuse] we are
healed.” Those of us this morning who are saved and on our way
to heaven are safe for eternity precisely because of God’s ability
to redeem abuse. And please understand that I am not trying to
minimize abuse here, I am trying to maximize God’s redemptive
power.
In 2 Cor. 4:8-10 we read that
“we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but
not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, bt not
destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so
that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.”
This is what separates the follower of Jesus from the rest of the
world. It is his perspective on life in general and suffering in
particular.
May God give us the grace to live in this manner. |
