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Lesson Seven: The
Christian Family’s Dirty Little Secret
"Verbal Abuse”
James
3:1-8
Introduction:
Last month when I announced that I was going to be addressing the
issue of the Christian Family’s dirty little secret, I hope you were
provoked into doing some wondering. If you gave it any thought, you
probably wondered if I was going to talk about sexual abuse, or
pornography, or something else along those lines; but that isn’t
what I want to talk about. Rather, I want to deal with something
far more prevalent in the Christian community, and I am calling it
the Christian family’s “dirty little secret” because I want us to
appreciate this matter for how bad it really is. I want us to talk
about the issue of verbal abuse.
Let’s start by reading this
passage in James 3. We will be reading verses one through eight in
a moment, and while you are turning there, let me say that we are
going to be studying through the book of James on Sunday mornings
pretty soon, so we aren’t going to deal with this passage in depth.
But I do want to read it and make several comments.
Let not many of you become teachers,
my brethren, knowing that as such we shall incur a stricter
judgment. 2 For we all stumble in many ways. If
anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able
to bridle the whole body as well. 3 Now if we put the
bits into the horses' mouths so that they may obey us, we direct
their entire body as well.4 Behold, the ships also,
though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still
directed by a very small rudder, wherever the inclination of the
pilot desires. 5 So also the tongue is a small part
of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. Behold, how
great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! 6 And
the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue
is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and
sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by
hell. 7 For every species of beasts and birds, of
reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed, and has been tamed by
the human race. 8 But no one can tame the tongue; it
is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.
In this passage, James doesn’t
pull any punches - he really lays it out for us in stark images -
and he makes several points about the tongue. 1) God is very
concerned about how we use our tongues - and teachers (those who use
their tongues the most) are going to be held to a higher standard of
judgment. 2) We all sin with our tongue - you will stop sinning
with you
tongue only when you get to heaven. That
is the significance of the words “perfect man” in verse two. 3)
The third point James makes is that the tongue has incredible
capacity for harm. The damage the tongue can do is far out of
proportion to it’s size. But like the tiny bit in the mouth of a
horse, or the tiny rudder at the bottom of a huge ship, or the tiny
spark that sets off an inferno in the dry forest, the tongue has
tremendous potential for harm, as this true story shows.
In 1899 four reporters from
Denver, Colorado, met by chance on a Saturday night in a Denver
railroad station. Al Stevens, Jack Tournay, John Lewis, and Hal
Wilshire worked for the four Denver papers: the Post, the
Times, the Republican, and the Rocky Mountain News.
Each had the unenviable task of finding a scoop for the Sunday
edition. They hoped to spot a visiting celebrity arriving that
evening by train. However, none showed up, so the reporters
wondered what on earth they would do. As they discussed options in
a nearby saloon, Al suggested they make up a story. The other three
laughed - at first. But before long they were all agreed they
would come up with such a whopper that no one would question it and
their respective editors would congratulate them on their find.
A phony local story would be
too obvious, so they decided to write about someplace far away.
They agreed on China. “What if we say that some American engineers,
on their way to China, told us they are bidding on a major job: the
Chinese government is planning to demolish the Great Wall?”
Harold was not sure the story
would be believable. “Why would the Chinese ever tear down the
Great Wall of China?” “As a sign of international goodwill, to
invite foreign trade.”
By 11 PM, the four reporters
had worked out the details, and the next day all four Denver
newspapers carried the story - on the front page. The Times
headline that Sunday read: “Great Chinese Wall Doomed! Peking Seeks
World Trade!” Of course, the story was a ridiculous tall tale made
up by four opportunistic newsmen in a hotel bar. But amazingly
their story was taken seriously and soon ran in newspapers in the
Eastern US and even abroad. When the citizens of China heard that
the Americans were sending a demolition crew to dismantle the Great
Wall, most were indignant, even enraged. Particularly angry were
members of a secret society made up of Chinese patriots already
against any kind of foreign intervention. Moved to action by the
news story, they attacked the foreign embassies in Peking and
murdered hundreds of missionaries from abroad. In the next two
months 12,000 troops from six countries, working together, invaded
China to protect their countrymen. The bloodshed of that time, born
out of a journalistic hoax fabricated in a saloon in Denver, was the
time of violence known ever since as the Boxer Rebellion!
When James said that the tongue
is set on fire by hell and can ruin the entire course of a person’s
life, he wasn’t using hyperbolic speech - he was being literal. And
in the illustration of the Boxer Rebellion, hundreds of missionaries
in China died as a result of unguarded speech. This is why we read
in the book of Proverbs that “the tongue has the power of life and
death” (18:21), and again, that isn’t metaphorical language.
One of the painful realities I
want us to face head on this morning is that the devastation the
tongue causes isn’t limited to all the unsaved people “out there.”
This isn’t a problem that Christians are somehow immune to - verbal
abuse takes place in the Christian home on a regular basis. Of
course, there are degrees of verbal abuse. It could be relatively
“small” - like the father who tells his four year old to quit “being
a sissy and a baby” when he cries after crashing on his bicycle; or
it could be so “huge” that it leaves the victim emotionally scarred
for life, which happens more frequently than we like to admit.
But what is verbal abuse? The
definition I want you to remember is this: verbal abuse is when you
use your tongue / speech in an anti-biblical manner. This may seem
a little broad, but when you consider how often the Bible addresses
how we are to use our tongues, and the degree to which the Bible
regulates the use of the tongue, I think it is safe to say that any
time we violate the Biblical teachings on the tongue, we have just
committed some level of verbal abuse.
Now, why is verbal abuse so
bad? Why can’t we just shrug off malicious speech? Or ignore
cutting remarks? Why can’t we overlook sarcasm and verbal
manipulation? Why can’t we mentally “turn off” the person who is
screaming at us? After all, “sticks and stones can break my bones,
but words will never hurt me,” right? Wrong! Verbal abuse
violates one of the foundational dimensions of humanity as being
created in the image of God. I don’t know if that makes
sense to anybody, but think through it with me.
1. Original humanity was
created in the image of God (Genesis 1). Therefore, we are all
created in the image of God - saved and unsaved alike. It doesn’t
matter if you are a Mother Theresa, or a Joseph Stalin, as a human
you are created in the image of God.
2. Because of that image of
God all humans have, we should treat one another with the respect
due to an image bearer of God. Not because we deserve it, and we
certainly haven’t earned it, but by virtue of our being bearers of
God’s image, as creatures who are the pinnacle of God’s creative
genius, we should treat other humans with common decency and
respect, especially in this matter of speech. This is what I mean
when I say that verbal abuse violates one of the foundational
dimensions of humanity.
But verbal abuse goes beyond
this. Steven Tracy, professor of theology and ethics at Phoenix
Seminary, says in his book Mending the Soul, Understanding and
Healing Abuse, “Verbal abuse perverts the beautiful truth of
divine creation. Nine times in Genesis 1 Moses tells us, “Then God
said,” and six times follows it up with, “and it was so.” Thus
God’s very words are efficacious; they have the power to create the
universe and all life that exists in it.” And in Genesis 1:33, we
read that when God got to the end of His speaking our universe into
existence, He said, “It is very good.” That is our model. That is
our standard. As God’s image bearers, we need to use our words to
create good. And verbal abuse is when we use our words to cause
harm.
It would be impossible for us
to look at every way we use our tongues the wrong way in the family,
but here is a brief list.
1. Guilt - we
can hurt or punish someone with our words by making them feel
guilty. Phrases like, “I hope you’re happy now,” or “It’s always my
fault” are designed to make someone else feel bad about their
actions. There is a legitimate kind of guilt, but that isn’t what
I’m talking about here.
2. Excessive
faultfinding - we can put a spouse or a child or even a
parent under a barrage of criticism - from how they take care of
their things, to how they manage their money, to how they look, to
how they drive. We have the ability to pick others apart, and this
continual faultfinding allows the one dishing it out to feel
superior and the one receiving it feels inferior and eventually
gives up.
3. Name calling
- is when we use a negative word or phrase to describe the other
person’s deficiency. Stupid, lazy, jerk, crazy, idiot, dumb,
crybaby, gossip etc. These are words to make the other person feel
small and worthless. Character assassination falls under this
category. Statements like “You’ve never been much of a wife,” or
“You’ll never amount to anything” leave scars that last for a
lifetime.
4. Yelling - is
a form of intimidation. It makes the one yelling feel strong and
the one being yelled at feel weak, defeated, or afraid of saying or
doing something that will provoke another attack.
5. Blaming - is
when we impose guilt on someone else so we can exonerate ourselves.
The father fills his coffee cup so full that it is almost spilling
over the brim and sets it on the table, and the child comes in and
bumps the table leg as he scoots his chair in. When the coffee
spills all over the newspaper, he yells at the child for being
clumsy and inconsiderate, instead of acknowledging that he is at
least equally if not more to blame (he is the adult) for filling
his cup too full.
6. Put-downs -
can be either subtle or blatant, but they are used to build up one
person at the expense of the other. This would be the wife who
would say in a condescending tone to her husband, “Oh, you don’t
need to worry about the finances - I’ll take care of all that. It’s
all over your head.”
7. Invalidating
- is a very subtle but effective way of verbally abusing someone.
Sometimes a spouse will blatantly deny what he has just said or done
in an attempt to distort reality and confuse his spouse.
Eventually, the spouse starts second guessing himself and can end up
wondering if he is the one with the problem, not the abusive
spouse.
Do you see how each of these
violates the purpose of our God-created capacity for speech? Speech
is one of the preeminent distinguishing characteristics of humanity
(it is what distinguishes us from animal life), and we are to create
good with it, not harm. So let me give you several key passages
that regulate how Christians should use their speech.
1. Prov. 16:21 -
“Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.” If we were
to practice this verse, we eliminate most of these seven types of
verbal abuse. There was a preacher who preached off a manuscript,
and in the margin next a particular point he had written, “Weak
point. Yell loudly.” Yelling doesn’t increase your persuasive
ability. Nor does sarcasm. Nor does belittling the other person.
The principle in scripture is that “sweetness of speech increases
persuasiveness.”
2. Prov. 12:18 -
“There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but
the tongue of the wise brings healing.” I believe we all know
what it is like to be wounded by someone’s words - I can still
remember a very cutting comment a boy made to me when I was in the
7th grade! That is 30 years ago, but that is the power our words
have. This verse may be the biblical principle that is at the root
of the maxim, “Count to ten.” When you are in a tense situation, or
really angry, or have just been hurt or offended, remember that
“rash words” can cut like a sword. I have discovered that my
initial response almost never is the godly response. I heard it a
million times as I grew up, “Murray, think before you speak.” Rash
words are the opposite of thoughtful words, which is actually the
idea behind the Hebrew word here.
3. Prov. 16:24 -
“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to
the bones.” This verse may not be as meaningful to us as it was
to the Hebrews 4,000 years ago because of our glut of readily
accessible sweets - but before the days of mass produced sweeteners,
finding a honeycomb was a rare event and even a cause for
celebration (James Michner has a great chapter about a bee hunter in
his book on Israel called The Source), and it met a
real need in the person’s life. That is the significance of the
word “healing.” That is how we are to use our mouths. Our words
should be characterized by sweetness and healing.
4. Eph. 4:29 - “Let
no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as
is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it
may give grace to those who hear.”
This is probably the most
comprehensive verse on the tongue in the whole Bible, and we could
spend quite a bit of time looking at it. But let me just make a few
points. First of all, note the categorical language. One of the
general rules for effective communication is that you aren’t
supposed to use categorical language because there are always
exceptions, but Paul doesn’t follow that rule here. “No”
unwholesome words. “Only” words that “edify,” or, build and
encourage. Paul doesn’t say, “As a general rule, use words that
edify.” He doesn’t say, “If you can find it within your ability to
do so, use edifying language.” He says, “Let no
unwholesome words proceed from your mouth, but only
such a word as is good for edification.”
Something else we need to be
alert to in this verse is that “edification” is the goal of our
speech. Edify means to build up. Sometimes edification is a very
positive thing because the person is built up and encouraged in a
pleasant way. But there are times when edifying language is
painful. I had an elder in my last church tell me I was arrogant,
and man was I ever hot! It wasn’t a pleasant conversation - but the
net effect of was that it built me up. It spurred me on to greater
maturity in Christ, and that is one of the dimensions of
edification. So the goal of our speech is to build up the other
person.
Summary: Are you
starting to see how verbal abuse violates these verses? Guilt,
excessive faultfinding, yelling, sarcasm, put-downs, name calling,
invalidating - all of these types of speech are designed for what?
To tear down the other person - not to build him up. Can you
imagine what our homes would be like if we simply practiced these
four verses? If the speech in our homes were characterized by
sweetness, pleasantness, thoughtfulness, and edification, we would
have strong families.
One of the most well-worn wall
hangings we have in our home is a summary of this message. It is a
full sized piece of poster board with a big mouth at the top.
Between the lips is a big question mark, and over the mouth is the
question, “How do you use yours?” And then listed beneath the mouth
is five verses, four of which we looked at today. We made the
poster years ago because of how pervasive this problem is in the
Christian home. Let’s make it our goal to have speech that is
sweet, pleasant, thoughtful, and edifying. |
